What's up? I'm Bruno.
I am in Austrias coldest city, Vienna ...
No big deal, what ever ...
I'm the host of "Funky time" the most important Tv Fashion show in any German speaking country.
Apart from Germany.
"Funky Time" is over influential.
In fact the Austrians fashionistas live there lives according to my in or out list.
In Autism, out Chlamydia !!
Why is Autism so cool at the moment? Becaus it's funny.
Right ...
"Funky Time" has interviewed everyone in the European fashion world..
Can you look at the camera and say, "You''re watching Funky time with Bruno."
You are watching "Funky Time" program with Bruno, and it's really a great show.
Can you do it like even more like a black guy you know, more like an African.
Aah,like this... Yeah - Yeah - Yeah ...
Your are watching "Funky time with Bruno", yo man, fuck man, welcome to the jungle.
Something maybe a bit more crazy, maybe show a bit of skin or something?
No I don't think so.
What about just like one cool rugsack, one of the balls?
No ...
I'm the most exiting and i'm visiting the town. From the fashion streets of Milan
Only for the German girls ... my great hair.
Modeling, a lot of people think it's easy, but it's the hardest job in the world, isn't it?
It's very hard.
Standing on heels all day .
And everyone is watching you... So you have to make sure your walk is good.
Yes it is really very hard to remember when to bring your right leg forward and then your left ...
and then again right, then left again ... - Yes !
And especially the turn it's..it's so scary.
Being the hoost of "Funky time", brings Bruno always seated on the front row.
You put on some waight.
The kattle is calling the pot black.
Hold your shoulders back, this is a Fashion show, not a slide auction.
My personal assistant, Koukos is my rock.
He's also my stylist.
These glasses are to much ? - Yeah i'll loos them.
They are too much like... hey everybody look at me, look at my glasses!
Everybody likes to say "where are my glasses" He's also my nutritionist.
I have a second assistant,
but i can't remember his name.
Bruno has known true love twice in his life.
Once for 7 minutes, with Milly of Milly and Vanilly.
But for the last 9 years i was head over heals in love with a flight attendant called Diesel.
The jet pilot can operate in private you know.
Boring stay at home time !!
How much do you want? Just fill the glasses.
In September 2008 i went to "Milan Fashion week"
To shoot a new season of "Funky Time"
Bruno had backstage access for the hotest show of the week,
"DE LA PRADA"
So i wore the jewel of my wardrobe, a suite made entirely out of Velcrot.
I'm wearing this, this is a prototype made by developer Frederique Vaoun.
Serious i was looking at it, can i have one?
Sorry it's a prototype, it's for one hour.
-Well now, listen ... We have to finish the set.
Get me out of this !
Bruno opts out.
For the second time in this century, the world has turned on Austrias greatest man.
Just because he was brave enough, to try something new.
* Bruno was blacklisted * I GO TO THE FRONT ROW.... NO!!
The first fall...
I was Fired from "Funky Time.
I realised that night that the fashion wold was superficial and vacuous.
I decided instead to go to Los Angeles,
to become a celebrity.
And i was going to bee the biggest Austrian Superstar since Hitler.
I'm not coming with you!! - Why not..? Because you're out, you humiliate me.
I'm so sorry i humilated you. I've gotta go.
Babber... i love you.
Diesel I Love You !!... Diesel.
I will roll with you.
Who are you?
I am Lutz. Your assistant's assistant.
Let me come to Los Angeles with you.
I'll help you become famous.
Why would I need your help; you're totally unqualified?
Because I think you're... amazing.
Will I wake up to you masturbating over me?
I promise, I won't wake you up.
I booked Paula Abdul very soon after!
How crazy!
But where is the furniture?
It's gone.
I told them to move it out for today because of the interview.
Without furniture, where will Paula sit?
Are you trying to ruin me?
Wait.
Paula's Agent spread the word. We've been blacklisted.
What about...
He won't come.
How can I make a show without the celebrities?
Don't worry... we have 24 hours, the show will go on.
They don't want it.
I don't know, how you still put up with me.
I'm nothing. I should go back to Austria.
No... you're amazing.
Lutz, here's a good one. I have to make a porn.
Be careful...
Madonna has one.
Brangelina has one.
And now Brüno also has one!
That is 13 pounds of black gold.
Call all of the magazines.
We're organizing the best photo shoot the world has ever known.
It will make me so famous. Understood?
Yes, I understand.
What's all of this?
OJ is gone.
I'm committing carbicide.
You have everything to live for.
I am so tired. I can't walk back.
Lutz, you're so strong. And you're just as comfy as a Mexican.
You're so light, Mr. Brüno.
Just like a feather.
You know, I'm only nice to you, because I like you.
Mr. Brüno, your hairbrush is pressing into my back.
That's not my hairbrush.
Where is the key?
Call for help.
That was the best day of my life.
It was super, fantastic.
Finally, we are together.
Are you retarded, Lutz?
Last night I was "carbohydrate-tripped" up.
I had no idea, I didn't know what I was doing.
I was high on Ragin' Cajun Potato Skins.
I am Brüno.
I don't date near nothing-assistants.
Nobody loves as much as I love you...
And I know, that you love me too.
Please accept me. Or die alone.
No.
Where can you go Lutz?
If you leave me, I'll not give you one cent.
You can't do that anyways. You're broke.
I don't need you anyway, Lutz.
I can do well by myself.
I am Brüno!
It should happen at a low point.
Lutz left ...
I was about to give up my dream of celebrity.
And suddenly it hit me.
All the most famous stars in the world,..
Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Kevin Spacy the ...
They all have one thing in commmon,..
They were all straight.
To become famous I have to quit guys.
I just needed to find a cockaholics anonymous.
Things have got to change.
I've thought of becoming straight.
One time straight, can I still play the clarinet?
If it doesn't remind you about some of the behavior that you're engaged in
when you put your lips around it.
If it doesn't remind you of that, go for it play the clarinet with everything inside you.
If it does remind you of that, i say put it down, give it away, let a friend hold it.
Until you know in your mind you're ready to pick it up again and it wouldend remind you of that.
What if i put a flute up my stinker?
I wouldn't do that because it would remind you of your former lifestyle.
So you don't put any flutes or instuments up your ass? - Absolutely not !
-You know why? -Why?
So you don't put any flutes or instuments up your ass? - Absolutely not !
Well, that would be bad.
Is there any music that I shouldn't listen to, any bands?
Sinead O'Connor,The Indigo girls,..
O course the Village People.
Then i become stait?
Any new hobby's that i should pick up.
Do you enjoy hiking?
Or lifting weights? - Sure !!
There is nothing like working out, and lifting weights,
and buiding your muscles around some other man that are not gay.
I am totaly irresistible to gay guys.
They see me and they want to stuff me.
- OK. - So how do i protect against those guys.
If they get close to you hit them, and leave the situation.
How do you spot a homosexual?
It's very hard to do, most of them dress no different than me and you.
Myself, - It's kind of like..
Terrorists, if they dress like the police
how would you know it's him?
For the obvious things you should look for.
So if someone approaches you on the street and is very nice to you,
you know they are homosexual. - Most likely...
How should i protect myself from being attacked bij Homosexuals?
They probebly would attack from behind.
Again if i'm a homosexual and i'm just trying to run in and kiss you?
Boom !! He moved in at a wrong range.
Let's say a homosexual has got you on the ground.
What if a homosexual get you down here?
Go to pool this down, i will block this and will hit with the elbow.
How can you protect yourself from a dildo?
Lets say i'm trying...
Like this.
And disarms the dildo? - Yes.
Is it harder to defend against a black dildo?
No, it's just as easy to defend against.
So i'm attacking !!!
Trap it, work the knees and elbow...
How do you defend yourself from a man with two dildo's? - Here Boom!
And if he's running with his pants down? - Here BOOM !!... break an arm.
Thank you. It was fantastic.
It's very usefull. - It's very different than what i have ever worked with.
So you were never gay?
It's ironic because you have amazing blowjob lips.
These lips were made to praise the lord.
No they are made for something else but you're not using them for that.
Are there any activities you suggest were i'm surrounded just by straight guys?
Hurry up, get in here. What? .... - Make this bed!!
Hurry up !!... Make the bed.
But do you have something maybe a double ... -Make the bed!!!
-Would you hold the sheet over there? No, you will need that, Get Down ...
-What? -I said get down ... and do push ups.
This line around here is the line you don't cross .
By the way, where is your uniform ? Go get your uniform on.
Do it.
Oh God.
What's up with the scarf?
This is like my own ... Let me intoduce you to someone.
What are you doing?
Stand to position of attention soldier! -Do it !
Stand still soldier.
That is not part of the uniform ... You need to take that of !
This outfit is to machy machy as it is and i added some horizontal lines.
Do you have an attitude candidate?
Get down candidate! Do it!
What type of belt is that candidate?
What is that? - D & G
-What is D &G ? DOLCE & GABBANA... Hallo!
Do it with your right hand.
That's not good.
Can I tell you about the person that changed my life? - Of course that's Carl Lagerfelt.
No actually his name is Jezus.
Jesus is in this room right now.
He never leaves us, he never forsake us, ...
-He's here ... -Amazing.
That's exactly right, is amazing.
You want to be famous? You'll be one that's so famous!
You will prepare the way for other young men
all over the world who want to come out of the homosexual lifestyle.
And to make a change in their lives.
And they say, if Bruno can do it I can do it.
How did you change Bruno? And you say.. it's Jezus.
He has changed me. But he wants to come in to your heart right now.
Are you ready to make that change?
Are you hitting on me?
No, i'm not.
Because that was realy hard, that whole stage.
Are there any outdoor activities that I should do if I want to become straight?
Absolutely.
-Hi. -Hi.
Heve you ever been hunting?
I have never killed an animal, apart from a hamster that i suffocated in Mykonos.
Do you prefer the vagina or the manly hands? ....
-I prefer the vagina. -Me too.
I love a women with a vagina.
Yeah ...
My favorite.
We were just talking about vaginas.
About what?
Vagina's ... The woman's vagina ...
-What you wear is not much fantasizing Oooh Yes ...
-Really? -Fantasy.
Realy wonderful fabric.
It is my favorite.
Look at the 4 of us ... We are so like the Sex and the City girls.
Which one are you Danny?
I ain't one of them. I am Danny.
That is such a Samantha thing to say.
I've never been out of the city before .
And... how does it feel?
I feel a bit vulnerable.
You know I am 19 years old, i've got a perfect body ...
I don't wanna wake up tomorrow morning and find out...
that i'm taunt in my ass A-pillar.
You probably aint going or what.... - But you just ditched us.
There are so many stars in the sky.
Makes you think of all the hot guys in the world.
Mike?
-Yes. It's me... Bruno.
- There is a homosexual. -What?
I think we'll both be safe if i sleep with you here tonight.
I don't give a god damn, get to your fucking tent and leave me alone.
Okay goodnight.
Sweet dreams.
Can I come in?
It's just this bear undoing my clothes. He could get interest in pats of me
Get the fuck out of here.
Reverend Pitzei found me to much of a hand full, and put me in touch with one of his chumps .
You look descent in that.
You look like a straight guy, how's that?
Women are good for us.
They're good, even though....
they appear to us to be terribly conventional.
And we find that some what irritating
That they complain so much.
Right.
But the need that...
We need many of the things, that at first glance are ...
annoying and irritating...
and women often don't stick to the point.
They are often talking about one thing, and then another and another ...
and they never get back to the first point...
maybe ever.
I'm repulsed by the idea of making the sex with a woman.
The important thing is to be around women, some what that you find...
tolerable or interesting ...
And give them a chance to seduce you.
"Swingers Party"
I hardly do get them first?
Of all nights for us to swing was the night of our honeymoon.
And what is your favorite position?
That would be missionary or reverse cowgirl.
What is "reverse cowgirl" ?
Show me, I pretent as a woman .
Like i'm sitting here ...
- And you'll be sitting like that ... Right.
- That's called reverse cowgirl . Right.
And then when you're faceing me that's called cowgirl.
This one is cowgirl or reverse cowgirl ?
This is cowgirl, and then when you turn the opposite way, it's reverse cowgirl.
And what other positions are there?
Car driver ...
- 69 - This is the girls position, you don't wanna be like this for ever.
There is missionary, doggy style ...
What's doggy style like?
You'll be bent over like a dog does it ...
-Like that? -Yes. -And then what will you be doing?
If you was a woman i'd be happy. - Show me !
I would be humping you like that ... -I can't wait to do this to a women.
Anybody wants a sandwich ?
Right ...
Good boy ...
Ohh.. fuck yeah..... - You're doing a nice job.
Come on, try to look at my eyes ...
Look me in the eyes, you can do that.
Why would he look you in the eyes when he is likking our pussy??
Just for concentration. - He does not like other guys.....
This is a swingers party !!
You don't want pussy if you don't want fucking ? Than quit touching me and quit looking at me.
I didn't come here for no fucking queer show. - Me neither.
-O.K. lets keep it at that then.
This is a fucking swingers party, right guys?
Hi ... Come with me.
I was just going to the kitchen -Ohh, yea, yea...
Let's maybe forget we know each other, I thing it's broken !! ...
Let's get to know each other a little bit first ...
-What? -You must seduce a lot of men.
I don't want you to do something that you will regret..
you wake up tomorrow and you've lost your virginity and you feel ashamed.
You know, let's take this a little slower ...
Sit the fuck down. SIT THE FUCK DOWN !!
Don't fuck around !! No,.. Let's do this the right way,
I sit down with your father, we talk about this, and he gives his permition.
You could be a little bitch here and take your clothes of, or I rip them
Yeah ...
Thanks. - We are going to make this heterosexual sex good.
Do as I say !! ....
take that fucking shit of now ...
Take it off...
I've got an idea...
try a little bit of dress up here, it will be erotic
What is this? You want to dress me like a man?
No it's just a beard.
- You want me to wear the beard? Come on it will be fun...
I don't need a beard ... Take it of now.
Get on your fucking knees and suck my spike here bitch.
I'm gonna be the straightest man who's ever lived.
And then I will be famous... You'll see, you'll see.
- 8 MONTHS LATER - Want to see some ass kicking tonight?
Make some noise, put your hands together for...
the host of a brand new Tv show "Straight Gays"
Are you ready for some man slamming action?
Who's ready for an old fashion hetro fest?
Are you 100% hetro, like me?
I want to hear you say, "Straight pride"
You know why? Because my asshole is just for shitting.
It's great to have an evening with straight people.
It's great not to have any fags here.
- Go faggot !! -Who called me a faggot ?
Who ever called me a faggot come out here and i'll beat your ass.
Who wants to see me, beat this faggot?
Subs made by - MISTER CERBERUS - --- mr_cerberus@live.nl ---
The footage went everywhere.
And Bruno became "Uber" famous .
As for Loutz ... We decided to get married in California.
But because of the law, we had to be a bit inventive .
I feel this is the biggest step you'll , ever make in your life now.
That's right.
Am I gonna be able to meet her, before we actually start?
Sure.
I don't marry two men or two women.
If she's a man, how did she gave birth to our son?
You gave birth to a little black child ?
Yes.
When did you had the baby?
I don't even know why i'm asking that.
But even though the marriage was a nish nish,
we weren't gonna let it get us down.
We were happy. We had each other and we had OJ back.
I was so famous that I was able to record my very own Charity Video.
I wrote a song that i hope is gonna bring the world together.
Put down your guns and bombs,
and just make love forever.
He's come to heal the world....
and make all nations calmer
I am the Austrian Jesus,
He is the white Obama.
War is based on hate and fear...
stop fighting North and South Korea.
You're really both Chinese.
It's Bruno the dove of peace.
Hey Bruno were are the bitches?
It's Bruno the dove of peace.
I had a dream for the 3rd World.
clean water, food and teaching.
In every village and every town...
a place for anal bleaching .
We need to free the world of hunger ...
I am like Bono but so much younger.
Hey's only 19 ...
I'm Bruno the peace dove.
Hey, hey... he's gay, he's gay ... Ok.